Hello there beloved. today I want to change it up a bit. There is something that I think might help y’all to understand me better as I talk. I tend to get misunderstood often. Or people have a certain idea of who they think I am because I don’t sound as soft and squishy as they would like.
Something that many people don’t know about me or tend to not believe when I say it is that I am a highly emotional person. I feel like I have a crazy amount of emotion just bursting inside me yet strangely enough people don’t see it. When I was little I was the little girl who was scared of everything. I cried often and I hid under my moms skirt. Quite literally. I got my feelings hurt easily and everyone knew it. There was no hiding my emotion. Through years of people who were abusers both mentally and physically I learned to hide my emotions quite well. I could be in the midst of being seriously hurt and just look with a blank stare. I learned how to crawl inside myself and not let people see what was going on inside. I put on a tough exterior and decided that I had to be the tough chick. I had to be strong and not let anyone see weakness.
Unfortunately that went for happiness also, because what makes you happy can also be used to hurt you. This has caused a lot of problems in my relationships be it friendships, with my children or my marriage. For the past few years I have struggled with learning how to show my emotion. I have struggled with letting my guard down and letting the love be seen as I speak truth. Everyone tells me to speak it in love and I am like I AM!
I come off as harsh to a lot of people because I am blunt and straightforward. Though God is tempering me I am quite rough around the edges still.
I always have a hard time when people think I am unfeeling. To me I am one of the most emotional people I know I just don’t let it control me for the most part and I don’t show it like I should. The problem is I don’t know how. I really don’t know how to show it when I want to let alone just in normal conversation. The last few years I have worked on sitting in who God wants me to be. Trying to allow God to work on my heart and soften me. I pray that when I speak Love is heard but no matter how I try people still think that I am uncaring, unfeeling, and hard.
There are so many times I try to explain myself. But people tend to believe what they want about me. I am pretty open. I want you to know this is who I am so you can do what you want with it. At least there shouldn’t be any question but words don’t always convey emotion well.
I speak out about the Lord because I love people. I may sound harsh but this is a serious matter we are talking about. I am rigid because you cannot bend truth. Truth is truth and to me I don’t understand why anyone would want to sit in anything but truth even if it hurts. If the Bible says and I think different I am wrong period. That is an amazing thing about Jesus he is Truth and he never changes. I can know that he will be the same tomorrow as he was yesterday. I know what to expect.
My heart cries out for the lost souls. I pray deep and hard that people will come to saving faith. I also try not to go down under the weight of their choices. I have battled anxiety all my life and the Bible says
If I am going to “stay in my lane” or remember who God is in relation to who I am I have to stop trying to control things that I am not in control of. I think it sounds uncaring or harsh to some people when I refuse to get upset by the world acting worldly. It doesn’t mean I don’t care about them it simply means they are acting in a way that is expected of them. I pray for different but the big emotion for me comes when they act different than what their character has shown of them. I cannot get upset with every person who is upset. I can’t allow myself to fall under the weight of the world because I will fall hard and I will fall fast and it isn’t my place to do so. I don’t have the bandwidth to allow myself to get emotionally caught up in every issue going on in the world. I just can’t and I shouldn’t. It’s not my place. God is bigger than I am. I can only put it at his feet and let him deal with it. I can love people. I can pray for them but I cannot live in anguish for the choices of the people around me.
And truthfully I hate crying. Not just in front of people but just crying at all. So when I feel myself losing control I take a deep breath and try to remember that I can’t control the situation but God can.
I understand that sounds harsh or unfeeling or uncaring but it really is more biblical than sitting in the pain of the world. We are to trust that God is in control in all things and not try and think that we can take control to fix them. For my own mental well being I choose to not allow myself to get brought down as much as possible. I struggle with life enough as it is. I am constantly trying to remind myself of Gods truth so that I can live in a manner worthy of him. I can’t lose sight of that or I will be crushed under the weight of the world.
I can only stand for truth. I can only sit in truth. Otherwise Satan has a foothold. Any amount of lie leads to a misunderstanding of God.
I think that because I leave no room for half truths or almost truths people think I am hard. Or the fact that I say I would gladly change my mind if you can show me where I am wrong. I am a very literal person. I take things how they are said and I say things to my best ability exactly how I mean them. I have no problem with talking about what I mean or even talking on topics that I don’t agree on. We don’t have to agree about everything for me to love you. I also don’t think I know all the things and I know that God will forever be pruning me. Weeding out the wrong ideas the worldly non sense that is still trapped in me. I want to talk about the stuff. I respect people who can. The ones you can have conversations with and completely disagree but have the conversation in a non confrontational way.
I am not who you decide I am. I am me. If you listen to who I say I am more you might possibly hear me better when I talk. Don’t look at me and put on me who I was six years ago. I am not her anymore. God is amazing and changes hearts and minds. He teaches and guides and grows us. Look at me now. Listen to me with a fresh understanding of who I am not who I was. I will try and do the same with you.
God is amazing. He truly creates in us a new heart. He makes us a new creation and though that is instantaneous it also takes time. We are a new creature learning and being sanctified by the washing by his word. Don’t look at you before and think that is who you are now. It isn’t. It shouldn’t be. We should be ever changing and though the ebb and flow can look like a lot of things. We should be ever advancing faster than retreating. Keep your eyes on the Lord and he will do the work. Sit in his word and he will form you to be more like him.
I too am learning and growing. Maturing and being formed into who God wants me to be. Let’s sharpen each other, soften each other, work together to stoke each others flames and hold each other accountable. If you have any questions leave a comment. Email me at Takemetoeternity@yahoo.com or message me on my take me to eternity fb page.
I know this was a weird blog. Different than my others but maybe it will help you to hear me a bit better.
Love you friends