So I have since I can remember said Jesus outloud any time I feel scared. I taught my girls that if they are feeling scared to say Jesus because you are calling on him to protect you. Or comfort you. It is something that is part of my spiritual warfare arsinal. It was one of my first things I ever learned about spiritual warfare and my most guttural. I don’t remember ever being taught that I just remember using it. I was told by someone I love and admire that that isn’t biblical. Why would I do that Jesus lives in me and is always with me so why would I say his name. That Satan does not have to flee at Jesus name. I was pondering that the other day and some verses came to mind. I love when God so beautifully reminds me why I do something.
“Our help is in the name of the LORD, Who made heaven and earth.”
PSALMS 124:8 NASB
“The name of the LORD is a strong tower; The righteous runs into it and is safe.”
PROVERBS 18:10 NASB
“Then I called upon the name of the LORD: “O LORD, I beseech You, save my life!””
PSALMS 116:4 NASB
“May the LORD answer you in the day of trouble! May the name of the God of Jacob set you securely on high!”
“Who is among you that fears the LORD, That obeys the voice of His servant, That walks in darkness and has no light? Let him trust in the name of the LORD and rely on his God.”
ISAIAH 50:10 NASB
“Submit therefore to God. Resist the devil and he will flee from you.”
I’m doing a study right now and it is asking what are those mundane things you do in your life everyday. The monotonous ones that seem so unimportant. For me it is the dishes, laundry, cleaning my house, making dinner, kids bickering and don’t get me started about bills. The stuff I just don’t want to do because I do it every day and just don’t get the appreciation that some part of me feels I deserve. (Kind of funny to acknowledge that). The things I am like ok I’m over it. I’m done. God has been working on that for awhile with me. Appreciating what doing those tasks means. That we have clothes to wear. Not just rags even. That I have a beautiful house to live in, love in and invite people into. That we have food to enjoy and nourish us. That I have beautiful little people to cook for and clean up after and teach how to cook and clean and take care of themselves. I have time and opportunity to teach my kids how God loves us and how we are to treat others. How we are to respond with love and be selfless instead of selfish. That we have all these things to enjoy and money to pay for it. All God’s abundance that he lavishes on us. All of the blessings that I so often forget are blessings instead I take them on my back as burdens. I have been working on seeing the beauty in all of the little things and have been learning to enjoy them instead of be weighed down by them. I am deciding that my attitude will dictate how much pleasure I get out of life. How much joy I allow God to reign on me. I can block his joy with my own crappy perspective. I can say no I will keep this beautiful thing you gave me and call it a burden and allow it to weigh me down and make life harder. I can take what you meant as a blessing and turn it into a curse. Or I can see the blessing in it. In the book I am reading it says Don’t despise the very things that signify your seat under the umbrella of Gods goodness each day.
Its like you are a zombie talking to you. A pod person. Every part of you that was deep to your core is gone. Sucked out. Replaced. You are not you. It hurts to talk to you. I miss you. But you are no longer that person anymore. I wish things could be different and I could tell you what’s going on. I wish I had you back to be my confidant, my friend, my sister. It’s so strang how that happened. You say it’s me who changed and boy have I but my core values haven’t. My beliefs have only deepend, strengthened. You used to understand and now you get upset and turn away. You used to be my friend and now you whisper that there’s just no way. You aren’t his anymore. I am all in. You sit in pain and hurt and I wish so bad I could help but I can’t because you reject the only antidote to the poison you are fed. But I love you and I miss you. Someday I hope you come out of your fog kicking and screaming fighting for the love you once had. He will be there. He always is if he knows our heart is his. You are never too far from him. A million years of running is only a step to him if your turn. I miss you. He misses you more.
It says in the Bible to be in the world but not of the world. I do not understand then why people who follow the LORD can dwell in things that are not honoring God. You cannot Honor God with demons. You cannot take something that is vile and say I can honor God with it. So if you continue to wash yourself with things that are not pure or good or holy. Then how can you say you honor God with everything? I struggle with this myself. What do I allow in my house? In my mind? In my children’s minds? What do I allow to penetrate and shape us? Is it what God would see as good? If it isn’t how do I justify to him allowing them to be shaped by it? Every single thing we allow in our brains shapes us. It says to always pray to him. Always dwell on him and what is good. If what I am allowing is not of him then it has to be of the world.
God calls us to be set apart. Different. He does not want us to take on what the world does. Traditions, “fun activities”. Each thing we allow into our hearts that is not of him is a little seed that grows bigger. An excuse that grows to cover for a bigger excuse. A callus forming to make the next ok more acceptable. It takes the sting out of Gods no. It gives our mouth reasons why it’s ok even if deep down we know it isn’t. It is our stumbling block. Every yes to something we know is wrong is assuring we will feel the no less. We are numbing ourselves with little things until bigger things can take root. There is a song that says can you save my heavy dirty soul. Our souls get heavy and dirty with every thing that is not of God we allow in. Every show that is not to glorify him. Every song we listen to and absorb that speaks about things that don’t belong to him. I don’t want a heavy dirty soul. I don’t want a heart that is callus to Gods guidance. I don’t want to have to have a bit in my mouth to be swayed. I want to be so full of him I can’t help but sway gently by his shepherding.
Why is it that everyone thinks I fit in but I never feel like I do?
Why is it that people think I am so much better at peopling than I am?
Why does no one ever see the fear behind my eyes?
Why does it surprise them if they can?
Why do people think that I have everything together?
When all I feel is like I am falling apart?
Why does it seem like everyone leans on me
When I am struggling so hard not to fall over myself?
Why is it that people bring their problems to me?
Ask me advice and expect me to soothe them?
I hate conflict and I don’t want your emotions rubbing off on me
They stick to me like a mothers insult.
Why do I sit in a room quiet by myself yet feel such emotion it overwhelms my senses?
Why does my head flood with prayers for others yet when I get to myself all that comes out is a groan?
Why do I stay awake at night begging for sleep but my brain goes over ever conversation I had with one person and how it could have hurt them?
Why is it that I can’t lie to people to save myself but then I have to feel the guilt of the truth that I told?
Why do I sit in a room full of people and feel like no one really cares?
Why do I sit and think people can help me feel better when God is the only one who really knows I’m here?
There are so many days I wonder why? Why is it so hard to find a friend? Why is it so hard to fell like other people care? I see their selfish ambitions. I see their agenda. The whole reason they are smiling at me and being so “kind”. It just so happens to end with a so I have a favor to ask of you…… but God. God is like no other. He is the only one who needs nothing at all from me. The only one who loves me just where I am. There is nothing I can do to take that love away. Only my peace from myself. There are so many times I wonder why I don’t feel the way others do. Why I don’t have that one person who knows me deep down to my soul. Why can’t I open myself? Why do I care so much what people think? I hate to be rejected but to be accepted under a false me is just unacceptable. But God. God knows the deepest parts of me. He knows my innermost thoughts. He knows my conflicted feelings. When I know with logic that lies are being fed to me but my heart sinks to the floor and I feel them as truth. God knows every single wrong spot in me. Every dark spot, And every light. On the days that I just can’t stand me. Ok the days where my patience wares thin. He knows and he still loves. He is still kind and gentle and patient. He nudges me reminding me to lean on him. He reminds me he is all I need. I can’t wait for the day I can speak to him. And audibly hear his voice speaking back. When I can sit with him and look him in the eyes. Where I can lay my hand in his. I long for the day I go home. The only home that will fill my heart. I am an alien in this world. I don’t look like other people in my thoughts. I long to be accepted but God already did. I long to fit in but not with this world and their acceptance of sin. But God knows my heart, my mind, and my soul. I am forever his.