I understand

I understand why suicide is up

Why antidepressants are in high demand

Why random things

And why the world is so angry and sad.

I understand we are longing for comfort

For stability and for peace of heart

I am so glad that God walks me through it.

And grows me even when it is hard.

Thank you for turning ashes into beauty.

Thank you for loving me enough to come near.

I beg you to pick me up and hold me.

I don’t want to walk on my own through this land

All of the evil angers me

All of the selfishness and twisted ideas

Lord please come soon and bring us all home to you

And then punish this evil at hand.

Hmm

I have come to think I am depressed.

Sometimes I don’t see it till it is undeniable.

Overwhelmed with decisions and uncertainty

Am I enough

Do I do enough

Self doubt is not helpful to anyone.

I press into the Lord and cry out to him.

He is my confidence and strength

I feel like I am failing at everything

I want to curl up in a hole for awhile.

I pray I don’t damage my kids.

I pray that I am enough for my husband.

I pray that I treat people in a way that honors God.

But my humanness comes out all over the place

Lord help me I cry I’m drowning

I have no one to lend me a hand

Please fill me with peace and contentment.

Help me drown out the world with your plan.

2020 summed up and we are only a little over halfway through it.

Fiery but mostly peaceful protestors.

Stay six fee apart at all times although covid spreads farther than that.

Wear a mask even when home

Masks are required to enter the store though it’s not a law

White people are racist even when they are not.

It’s ok for a white person to call someone derogatory names as long as they are opposing what the narrative is.

Black lives matter except the ones who disagree with us

Black lives matter except the ones who own businesses.

Antifa is an ideology not an organization. Except the ones who are an organization.

George soros has nothing to do with it except that he funded it but you can’t talk about it.

Pedophilia isn’t a problem in our country but we want to make it a sexual orientation and make people sympathize with them.

Making a movie to exploit and sexualize young girls about how terrible it is to exploit and sexualize young girls is to be praised.

Trust The Who even when they can’t figure out which “truth” to stick to.

You are a science denier if you go with that the science says and not the narrative.

There is your truth, my truth and their truth be tolerant but we won’t tolerate anyone saying differently.

Math is racist….. being on time is racist…… thinking logically is racist and all of them show your whiteness.

Silence is violence. But violence is peaceful.

Chaz/chop is like a spring break vacation. Except the part where people are getting raped and murdered. But it is not a problem

Defund the police. Abolish them. Wait why aren’t they here to help me because I don’t like what you are saying.

We want no police officers we just want armed thugs walking around policing. Cause that’s better.

The world is gonna end in 12 years from global warming. We need to stop the cow farts.

Watch out for those murder hornets

We want everything for free and you are gonna pay for it.

If we are created to show love to Gods people. If we have all of his power flowing through us through the Holy Spirit why do we not touch more people? Pray for more people? Intercede for more people? Why do we think that when we go to the store, or the post office or a restaurant we are there just to eat or buy or send? I want to be so alien to this world that my thought process is nothing like the worlds. I want to think heavenly minded. I want to think Gods purpose. I want to be so incredibly different that people look at me and just know there is something different. Something Holy in me.

I know God sustains me

I know God sustains me

without him I’m lost for sure.

I know if it is his will it will happen

And no matter what I do I will have to endure

Lack of control is unbearable

What if my children cease to be

What if I lose my husband completely

How will I live

You will sustain me.

You always have

You will defend me

You will provide a way

My life is yours Jesus

It’s not mine

If I hide in fear

I dull my light.

Slipping

I find my self inching backwards.

Slipping into anxiety and fear

I feel myself being undone

The decisions too much

What if. What if not.

Death, life, hurting abandoned.

I am terrified of losing myself.

I am terrified of losing a loved one.

The thought alone is too much to bare

No imminent danger awaits me

No great thing hangs over my head

Just simply my own mind keeping me in terror.

The enemy of my self is me.

A heavy heart

If my heart grows heavy and weary within
I ought not to look to those who sin
I need only rest my mind on you
And set my thoughts on all that you do

If my heart feels stained and dark
I have your blessed assurance it’s just a mark
A scar that you can clean away
By the blood of your son who paid for my mistakes
For I cannot begin to help myself
It is only through you I have hope in this world.
Because without you I am surly lost
I pray that i am worth the cost.

Anxiety

Anxious thoughts run through my head

Of conversations still unsaid

Will it? Won’t it? I don’t know

The future is yet left untold

I should take a stand and speak

Or maybe I should hush my voiceless speech

Lives all twisted in the shame

Of this thing some call a game

Just another day to go

Until another waits in tow

Anxiousness is my enemy

I thank the Lord for his love for me.

I am getting so tired of it.

I get so sick of getting put down by you. So tired of the insults you give while you and your husband laugh at me. Why do you think that me disagreeing with you is harsh and I am being down on you simply because I don’t agree with what you say yet you feel free to insult me and laugh at me. I don’t get it. I thought maybe you could be different. What do I do? I spend so much time concerned about not hurting your feelings. Not rocking the boat. Not doing or saying anything that you could take as an insult even though you get mad when I am trying to be kind. I am not sure how this is supposed to work. Do I cut you out yet again? Be the one that everyone blames and spend the next years defending my decision only to get sucked in again? Or do I figure out how to stand up to you. You are like a bully. I try so hard to stand up for myself. To be tough but it hurts. I am tired of the way you make me feel. On purpose. Why are you so hurtful? What is wrong with you?

Demons

I think the reason I am so determined to test everything and make sure I know what is right and wrong or demonic or godly is because of my past and my family. I spent so long of my life being told things were good that were not. Being exposed to demonic people and being told how great they were. I have spent a lot of my life repulsed by people who were so very close to me. Living in a house with people who suffered with demonic possession and calling it multiple personalities. I have family who are Wiccan/ new age/ occultist and all of them have been extremely close to me. Some call on demons and I have learned just how easy and fast people can get pulled into the demonic. It isn’t all dark looking to begin with. So much starts with “love” and “light” and “acceptance “. They all want to have power and most think it’s a “good” power source. It takes time for them to learn that it isn’t. I have family with “Satan” tattooed on their neck. Ones with crazy sexual addictions. It’s so hard growing up knowing the darkness. Feeling the darkness and being told over and over how good they are. How we are to love them and being put in their care. Being left alone with them and their demons. But of course I was always the problem if I had a hard time with them. I need to lighten up and make room for everyone. I want to keep the demonic as far away from me as possible. I want to stay in step with the Holy Spirit and walk with Jesus in the light. And in that I test every spirit and study the word. I reject anything that doesn’t line up to what God says. I am willing to be corrected just make sure you can do it through scripture.