2020 summed up and we are only a little over halfway through it.

Fiery but mostly peaceful protestors.

Stay six fee apart at all times although covid spreads farther than that.

Wear a mask even when home

Masks are required to enter the store though it’s not a law

White people are racist even when they are not.

It’s ok for a white person to call someone derogatory names as long as they are opposing what the narrative is.

Black lives matter except the ones who disagree with us

Black lives matter except the ones who own businesses.

Antifa is an ideology not an organization. Except the ones who are an organization.

George soros has nothing to do with it except that he funded it but you can’t talk about it.

Pedophilia isn’t a problem in our country but we want to make it a sexual orientation and make people sympathize with them.

Making a movie to exploit and sexualize young girls about how terrible it is to exploit and sexualize young girls is to be praised.

Trust The Who even when they can’t figure out which “truth” to stick to.

You are a science denier if you go with that the science says and not the narrative.

There is your truth, my truth and their truth be tolerant but we won’t tolerate anyone saying differently.

Math is racist….. being on time is racist…… thinking logically is racist and all of them show your whiteness.

Silence is violence. But violence is peaceful.

Chaz/chop is like a spring break vacation. Except the part where people are getting raped and murdered. But it is not a problem

Defund the police. Abolish them. Wait why aren’t they here to help me because I don’t like what you are saying.

We want no police officers we just want armed thugs walking around policing. Cause that’s better.

The world is gonna end in 12 years from global warming. We need to stop the cow farts.

Watch out for those murder hornets

We want everything for free and you are gonna pay for it.

If we are created to show love to Gods people. If we have all of his power flowing through us through the Holy Spirit why do we not touch more people? Pray for more people? Intercede for more people? Why do we think that when we go to the store, or the post office or a restaurant we are there just to eat or buy or send? I want to be so alien to this world that my thought process is nothing like the worlds. I want to think heavenly minded. I want to think Gods purpose. I want to be so incredibly different that people look at me and just know there is something different. Something Holy in me.

I know God sustains me

I know God sustains me

without him I’m lost for sure.

I know if it is his will it will happen

And no matter what I do I will have to endure

Lack of control is unbearable

What if my children cease to be

What if I lose my husband completely

How will I live

You will sustain me.

You always have

You will defend me

You will provide a way

My life is yours Jesus

It’s not mine

If I hide in fear

I dull my light.

Slipping

I find my self inching backwards.

Slipping into anxiety and fear

I feel myself being undone

The decisions too much

What if. What if not.

Death, life, hurting abandoned.

I am terrified of losing myself.

I am terrified of losing a loved one.

The thought alone is too much to bare

No imminent danger awaits me

No great thing hangs over my head

Just simply my own mind keeping me in terror.

The enemy of my self is me.

A heavy heart

If my heart grows heavy and weary within
I ought not to look to those who sin
I need only rest my mind on you
And set my thoughts on all that you do

If my heart feels stained and dark
I have your blessed assurance it’s just a mark
A scar that you can clean away
By the blood of your son who paid for my mistakes
For I cannot begin to help myself
It is only through you I have hope in this world.
Because without you I am surly lost
I pray that i am worth the cost.

Anxiety

Anxious thoughts run through my head

Of conversations still unsaid

Will it? Won’t it? I don’t know

The future is yet left untold

I should take a stand and speak

Or maybe I should hush my voiceless speech

Lives all twisted in the shame

Of this thing some call a game

Just another day to go

Until another waits in tow

Anxiousness is my enemy

I thank the Lord for his love for me.

I am getting so tired of it.

I get so sick of getting put down by you. So tired of the insults you give while you and your husband laugh at me. Why do you think that me disagreeing with you is harsh and I am being down on you simply because I don’t agree with what you say yet you feel free to insult me and laugh at me. I don’t get it. I thought maybe you could be different. What do I do? I spend so much time concerned about not hurting your feelings. Not rocking the boat. Not doing or saying anything that you could take as an insult even though you get mad when I am trying to be kind. I am not sure how this is supposed to work. Do I cut you out yet again? Be the one that everyone blames and spend the next years defending my decision only to get sucked in again? Or do I figure out how to stand up to you. You are like a bully. I try so hard to stand up for myself. To be tough but it hurts. I am tired of the way you make me feel. On purpose. Why are you so hurtful? What is wrong with you?

Demons

I think the reason I am so determined to test everything and make sure I know what is right and wrong or demonic or godly is because of my past and my family. I spent so long of my life being told things were good that were not. Being exposed to demonic people and being told how great they were. I have spent a lot of my life repulsed by people who were so very close to me. Living in a house with people who suffered with demonic possession and calling it multiple personalities. I have family who are Wiccan/ new age/ occultist and all of them have been extremely close to me. Some call on demons and I have learned just how easy and fast people can get pulled into the demonic. It isn’t all dark looking to begin with. So much starts with “love” and “light” and “acceptance “. They all want to have power and most think it’s a “good” power source. It takes time for them to learn that it isn’t. I have family with “Satan” tattooed on their neck. Ones with crazy sexual addictions. It’s so hard growing up knowing the darkness. Feeling the darkness and being told over and over how good they are. How we are to love them and being put in their care. Being left alone with them and their demons. But of course I was always the problem if I had a hard time with them. I need to lighten up and make room for everyone. I want to keep the demonic as far away from me as possible. I want to stay in step with the Holy Spirit and walk with Jesus in the light. And in that I test every spirit and study the word. I reject anything that doesn’t line up to what God says. I am willing to be corrected just make sure you can do it through scripture.

Wow.

Total trip. For a long time I used to listen to bethel music, Jesus culture and hillsong. That was the music I listened to the most. I would play it all day and sing to it and worship to it. I felt it and was engulfed by it. I wanted more of it though I had it. I thought it was of God but after much time learned the truth behind it. I learned about the people who pushed it. Who taught the people who wrote the songs. The people who created the theology that pushed that music. I was disturbed to find out the truth. The more I dug into my bible the more I could see the theological hypocrisy that they spewed. I saw how they took truth and spun it into a web of lies. At the same time as being all encompassed by that music I felt like my house was an open door for demons. I had so many crazy things happen in my house. From my sewing table flipping itself over in my craft room when no one was in there to noises, doors slamming doors seeming to open by themselves, cups sliding across the table multiple times for my whole family to witness and so much more. There was a darkness in my house. A feeling of being watched. An creeping feeling that left me not wanting to be alone. My oldest daughter had night terrors. She was inconsolable at night and felt like she couldn’t sleep. She was terrified for no reason and we would fight for hours every night for her to get some rest. She would cry for hours and call me in to her room over and over again and on the way to her room there was a darkness that was almost tangible. I found that praying with her was the best thing I could do to calm her and push that darkness back. I taught her to pray or just Say Jesus or say leave in the name of Jesus Christ you are not welcome here when that darkness was so heavy in the room. I had a baby monitor in her room and strange things would randomly come through. A woman cackling and then screaming. Children crying though mine were asleep. I truly didn’t know what to do. I did a lot of praying and talking to the LORD. I was plagued with anxiety and would have random strange thoughts almost as if they weren’t my own. Thoughts that as soon as I thought them I would shiver and question where that came from. At the time I listened to the people who promoted hillsong and bethel. Todd white and for a small time Heidi Baker. The people that go along with them. I started feeling inadequate as a Christian and wondering why I wasn’t as good of a Christian as them. Why do I not have the power these people supposed that they have? Should I be able to speak in tongues and heal people with a touch? As I learned about these peoples twisting of the scripture I started putting distance between myself and their teaching which led to taking out all bethel and hillsong music as well as elevation worship and the likes. I started testing every spirit and people flipped out. After a few years down this journey of finding truth and disregarding deception. This journey of listening to the Bible in context and not what people say it says or the feel good teaching that is so prevalent today I was listening to a podcast. It is a woman who came from the new age to Christianity. She sidestepped from new age to nar which is simply new age with a Christian tag on it. She was talking about her experiences and how the more she interacted with yoga and tarot cards and the likes the more demonic things happened in her home. I am blown away. I see the connection so well now. Between the nar being blasted through my house and the things that were happening. I realized how different my house has been and felt the last year or two since I have changed what I allow in. It is crazy.

April 3 2020

Today Raeley turned 8 this is a reminder of what life looks like today. Covid-19 is everywhere right now. There is a stay at home order in place and everyone is informed about social distancing. We are not supposed to gather in groups bigger than 5 and all the schools are closed for the rest of the year. (So glad we homeschool). Everywhere you turn you hear about social distancing and see signs up talking about staying 6 ft away from people. The store shelves are depleted and tp is hard to find. So are baby wipes. Man I am glad my kids are bigger. I searched for over a week to find tp and only found it because someone else told me they had some at a certain store and got there in time. Gas prices are 2.66 a gallon. I go to the store only without the kids. I use a mask and wipe everything down and stay as far away from people as I can. Life is just us for the most part. Kenny is still working but since he works for my dad he is just working on his new house and property unless someone needs work done on their air compressor badly. Only people deemed essential still have jobs. So many businesses closing and people out of work. God has so abundantly blessed me. My little family is happy and doing well. My house is well stocked but that is only by the grace of God. We got new kitties and they are a wonderful distraction. The birthday dinner will be small but fun. Just us and my parents. Going out is eerie. It’s the first time I can’t find what I am looking for at stores. There is limits on how much meat or dairy you can get (if you can find them) I am not sure how some people with big families are making out. There are places on complete lockdown. Wouldn’t be surprised if that happens here. Winco has a gate up at the entrance. You have to wait for people to come out to go in. There is tape on the ground to show how far away you have to stand from people and plastic between you and the cashiers. But we are keeping busy in our beautiful home. So snug and cozy. Church is closed. So we watch online and tnt is done on zoom. It’s all so bizarre yet life is still wonderful. God gives me that weird peace. The one that doesn’t make sense. I am just so grateful for all that he does.