Today

I hate the days I compare myself with others.
The days I feel less then
And Not good enough
The days anxiety creeps up and just sits
Like a weight on my heart
And a lump in my throat.
The days I just don’t want to get out of bed.
When all I want to do is say
I’m only talking to Jesus today…….

One of those days.

When you wake up with that feeling

Anxiety amping up.

When you feel like you aren’t doing enough

Aren’t good enough

Weren’t made for this

Remember his strength is what counts

Are you trying?

Are you pushing?

Are you fighting for his truth?

Just keep going

Keep your head up

It will change soon.

A good day

Sometimes a good day means you got out of bed

Sometimes a good day is not bursting out in tears in front of the world

Sometimes a good day is just being present when all you want to do is hide.

Sometimes a good day is a bad response but not worse

Sometimes a good day is just knowing that you tried and made it through another day.

Sometimes a good day is knowing that God can hear you

Sometimes a good day is only being able to say Lord help me please.

Sometimes a good day is knowing you will be there for a better one.

And sometimes we can mistake a good day for a bad.

I understand

I understand why suicide is up

Why antidepressants are in high demand

Why random things

And why the world is so angry and sad.

I understand we are longing for comfort

For stability and for peace of heart

I am so glad that God walks me through it.

And grows me even when it is hard.

Thank you for turning ashes into beauty.

Thank you for loving me enough to come near.

I beg you to pick me up and hold me.

I don’t want to walk on my own through this land

All of the evil angers me

All of the selfishness and twisted ideas

Lord please come soon and bring us all home to you

And then punish this evil at hand.

Hmm

I have come to think I am depressed.

Sometimes I don’t see it till it is undeniable.

Overwhelmed with decisions and uncertainty

Am I enough

Do I do enough

Self doubt is not helpful to anyone.

I press into the Lord and cry out to him.

He is my confidence and strength

I feel like I am failing at everything

I want to curl up in a hole for awhile.

I pray I don’t damage my kids.

I pray that I am enough for my husband.

I pray that I treat people in a way that honors God.

But my humanness comes out all over the place

Lord help me I cry I’m drowning

I have no one to lend me a hand

Please fill me with peace and contentment.

Help me drown out the world with your plan.

2020 summed up and we are only a little over halfway through it.

Fiery but mostly peaceful protestors.

Stay six fee apart at all times although covid spreads farther than that.

Wear a mask even when home

Masks are required to enter the store though it’s not a law

White people are racist even when they are not.

It’s ok for a white person to call someone derogatory names as long as they are opposing what the narrative is.

Black lives matter except the ones who disagree with us

Black lives matter except the ones who own businesses.

Antifa is an ideology not an organization. Except the ones who are an organization.

George soros has nothing to do with it except that he funded it but you can’t talk about it.

Pedophilia isn’t a problem in our country but we want to make it a sexual orientation and make people sympathize with them.

Making a movie to exploit and sexualize young girls about how terrible it is to exploit and sexualize young girls is to be praised.

Trust The Who even when they can’t figure out which “truth” to stick to.

You are a science denier if you go with that the science says and not the narrative.

There is your truth, my truth and their truth be tolerant but we won’t tolerate anyone saying differently.

Math is racist….. being on time is racist…… thinking logically is racist and all of them show your whiteness.

Silence is violence. But violence is peaceful.

Chaz/chop is like a spring break vacation. Except the part where people are getting raped and murdered. But it is not a problem

Defund the police. Abolish them. Wait why aren’t they here to help me because I don’t like what you are saying.

We want no police officers we just want armed thugs walking around policing. Cause that’s better.

The world is gonna end in 12 years from global warming. We need to stop the cow farts.

Watch out for those murder hornets

We want everything for free and you are gonna pay for it.

If we are created to show love to Gods people. If we have all of his power flowing through us through the Holy Spirit why do we not touch more people? Pray for more people? Intercede for more people? Why do we think that when we go to the store, or the post office or a restaurant we are there just to eat or buy or send? I want to be so alien to this world that my thought process is nothing like the worlds. I want to think heavenly minded. I want to think Gods purpose. I want to be so incredibly different that people look at me and just know there is something different. Something Holy in me.

I know God sustains me

I know God sustains me

without him I’m lost for sure.

I know if it is his will it will happen

And no matter what I do I will have to endure

Lack of control is unbearable

What if my children cease to be

What if I lose my husband completely

How will I live

You will sustain me.

You always have

You will defend me

You will provide a way

My life is yours Jesus

It’s not mine

If I hide in fear

I dull my light.

Slipping

I find my self inching backwards.

Slipping into anxiety and fear

I feel myself being undone

The decisions too much

What if. What if not.

Death, life, hurting abandoned.

I am terrified of losing myself.

I am terrified of losing a loved one.

The thought alone is too much to bare

No imminent danger awaits me

No great thing hangs over my head

Just simply my own mind keeping me in terror.

The enemy of my self is me.

A heavy heart

If my heart grows heavy and weary within
I ought not to look to those who sin
I need only rest my mind on you
And set my thoughts on all that you do

If my heart feels stained and dark
I have your blessed assurance it’s just a mark
A scar that you can clean away
By the blood of your son who paid for my mistakes
For I cannot begin to help myself
It is only through you I have hope in this world.
Because without you I am surly lost
I pray that i am worth the cost.